With relatively cheap domestic help widely available in Asia, we are doing a very uncommon Asian thing: raising kids without a nanny. We reckon raising kids is the hardest job on the planet! Raising kids is emotionally and intellectually draining. Raising kids is tiring. It doesn’t come with a manual. It often requires sacrificing work and don’t even mention the cost of raising them. As parents, our job is to nurture these tiny humans — and we basically have to figure it out as we go along. From birth to… forever.
But for us, becoming parents is a privilege. A privilege we are not willing to pass on to anyone. Not even to our own spouse, family and certainly not to an untrained nanny that cost only tens of dollars each month. As our 5 year old would say – that would be bonkers!
As a bit of background, in Asia having a nanny or baby sitter often becomes a big part of family life. Their role is a lot different than Western countries’ concept of a babysitter, but probably more similar to that of an au pair. Nanny in Asia are not necessarily postpartum doula (a woman specially trained to care for mother and baby the first couple of weeks after birth) or baby nurse (a newborn care expert). Where we grew up in, Indonesia, a “nanny” can mean a late teenager with a few months basic training (if any) to someone older with more work experience.
A nanny’s work is designed to facilitate the ‘perfect Asian family’ image. Their tasks would usually include anything from feeding a newborn, making sure they don’t cry and putting them to sleep. Later at school age, a nanny will be tasked with (among other things) taking them to school, being a personal maid, playmate and pretty much becomes a substitute parent.
University educated parents would often be “disappointed” with their lowly paid nanny, who generally is clearly not a professional carer. Growing up, and even until now, we commonly see upper class families in Indonesia having dinner in fancy restaurants – and the nannies, often wearing uniforms, sitting at a separate table together with kids they’re caring for. Cases of nanny ill-treating children are often reported, posted and shared on social media. But stories of kind, loving nannies replacing the role of absent parents rarely get a mention.
We are not aiming for parenting perfection or to show we are better than anyone
We believe that there is not one perfect parenting style. What works for some parents might not work for others. But note raising kids does involve some form of parenting. It is one thing to have a nanny to look after your kids to cook and clean up after them, but it is quite another to have them raise your kids.
It is not fair for a child to be born only for him or her to be passed on from one available nanny to the next. These crying, pooping and sometime not so easy to handle blessing need to be treasured and nurtured. They need you!
And so we choose to have no nanny…
If all your updates about your kids have come from the nanny instead of from spending time with them, you may have fulfilled all of your kids’ physical needs, but nothing else.
If you want something done properly, you should always do it yourself. Outsourcing the most important job in the world to a nanny who typically has no professional qualifications is (again) as our 5 year old would say – that would be bonkers!
Your child needs your love and attention more than that latest gadget, car or bigger house.
We often hear newly married couple saying: “We wish for one boy and one girl”
But…. if you are not intending to spare time for your kids, if you don’t want to know how to feed your baby or change their nappies thinking a nanny will take care of everything, then – becoming parents is not for you. And that is OK!
Not everyone is obliged to become or have the calling to become parents. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. Many Asian married couples base their happiness on eventually becoming parents. It is often used as a false goal of marriage because otherwise they would have been given a hard time justifying the choice of not having kids.
It took us 4 years of marriage before we felt ready to have kids. We chose not to rush it and always had been firmly in charge of our own timing. Wanting to have kids was not based on family expectations, following our friends or the pressure to have a kid of certain Chinese zodiac. We never wanted to feel resentment or having the thought of “this baby stopped me living my life”. Even now with two kids our days don’t revolve around them.
Since we never rely on domestic helpers, we are used to handling our two boys anywhere. Staying home or travelling twice a year makes no difference. There won’t be anything new that our boys can surprise us with. From the “I need to wee” and vomiting combo, to the “I’m bored” and can’t stop crying combo – we are used to them every day. Our sons will be comfortable travelling with us and not looking for the nanny that otherwise care for them back home.
There a few simple things we have been doing to prepare for our first trip as a family of four – checkout the post here.
For places we have visited, Checkout our website’s travel Destinations section. We buy our travel essentials online via Ebay
